The Kiss the Boy Saga
by YamiNoWedge
Summary: Slash. Draco's friends torment him using their own remixed version of the Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl". Chaos ensues. HPDM
1. Kiss the Boy

Kiss the Boy

They remixed the song from that movie they were forced to watch in Muggle Studies over winter break 5th year when they realized why he wouldn't stop talking about the Golden Boy. That is, Pansy came up with the idea, Blaise helped her, and Crabbe and Goyle learned the new version of the song once they did it.

There you see him  
Standing there across the hall  
Yeah, he's got a lot of gall  
But there's something about him  
And you don't know why  
But you're dying to try  
You wanna kiss the boy

Yes, you want him  
Look at him, you know you do  
Possible he wants you too  
There is one way to ask him  
It don't take a word  
Not a single word  
Go on and kiss the boy

Sha la la la la la  
My oh my  
Look like the boy too shy  
Ain't gonna kiss the boy  
Sha la la la la la  
Ain't that sad?  
Ain't it a shame?  
Too bad, he gonna miss the boy

Then's your moment  
Alone in detention  
Boy you better do it then  
No time will be better  
He don't say your name  
And he won't say your name  
Until you kiss the boy

Sha la la la la la  
Don't be scared  
You got the mood prepared  
Go on and kiss the boy  
Sha la la la la la  
Don't stop now  
Don't try to hide it how  
You want to kiss the boy

Sha la la la la la  
Float along  
And listen to the song  
The song say kiss the boy  
Sha la la la la  
The music play  
Do what the music say  
You got to kiss the boy  
You've got to kiss the boy  
You wanna kiss the boy  
You've gotta kiss the boy  
Go on and kiss the boy

Draco was sure he would die from being so annoyed. Every day at Hogwarts, January through June, he had to listen to one or more of them sing or hum part of the song. The first time he heard it, they had gagged him and tied him to a chair and positively performed it. After they let him go, no matter how much he insisted, they would not believe that he did not have a crush on Harry bloody Potter.

He was thrilled when summer came around. True, he did see his "friends" (though now he thought of them as his tormentors) over summer break, but he did not see all of them daily. In fact, he only heard the song twice over break.

When he got on the train back to Hogwarts at the end of the summer, he was nervous about having to hear it again. But thankfully, they did not even bring it up during the entire train ride. Instead they discussed the Dark Lord, their parents, the war, and how to avoid becoming Death Eaters while at the same time keeping their inheritance and their lives.

They decided it would be impossible.

The train ride went by faster than Draco had expected, and not once had they run into the insufferable Golden Trio, for which the blonde Slytherin was eternally grateful. Draco and his four cronies (two friends and two goons) got off the train and climbed into a carriage. The door was shut and latched before Draco, being ever observant, noticed what non-crony was sitting across from him, between Crabbe and Goyle, who were cracking their knuckles threateningly.

Harry Potter.

Harry BLOODY Potter.

Potter spoke. "Why did you have to choose my carriage?"

Immediately his antagonism soared. "Your name's not on it," he growled. "Why aren't you with the Weasel and the Mudblood?"

Potter smirked. (Draco didn't know he could do that effectively.) "They're off shagging in another carriage."

Draco dry-heaved, partially reflexively, partially for effect. "Oh, gross, Potter! Why'd you go and tell me that!"

"You asked."

"Since when do you answer everything I ask you?"

"Since I knew the answer would bug you."

Draco, surprisingly, didn't have a comeback, but he was spared that embarrassment by one that was easily worse: Pansy had started humming The Song.

She hummed the first two lines alone, causing complete silence from everyone else, but Blaise joined her on the third line with a smirk, and Crabbe and Goyle joined in on the fifth. They got through the first two verses, Potter giving them all weird looks, before Draco freaked out.

"Would you SHUT! The HELL! UP!" He knew he was beet red, but he could have sworn that they were about to sing the rest of it, instead of just hum, and it would surely have killed him if Potter had figured out what it meant. He was quite certain that Potter was familiar with the song, being a goody goody Muggle-lover and a Gryffindork to boot.

His tormentors did as he asked, though not without a handful of mirthful chuckles and evil smirks. Once he was quite sure they would not start up again, he threw his attention to the floor, trembling in his rage. Being sandwiched between Pansy and Blaise, his views to the windows were mostly obscured, and it was easier on his neck to look at the floor instead of the ceiling. And no, he was not about to stare at Potter.

He was just overcoming the trembling in his body when a lone voice picked up the humming where it had been left off.

Simultaneously, all five Slytherins turned to stare at the obviously suicidal Gryffindor in their midst, four with expressions of utter amusement adorning their faces, as Potter unwittingly hummed a challenge at Draco.

At the end of only one verse, Draco's cronies were chuckling cautiously (and obviously holding back all they could), and Draco warned, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Potter. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

Potter lifted his chin defiantly, obviously taking that as a threat of bodily harm. "I'm not afraid of you."

Draco took his comment at face value. His tormentors, however, took it as an invitation. Crabbe and Goyle (and Draco would never understand how they were able to think simultaneously, quickly, and independently enough to do this) crabbed Potter by the arms and held him back against the seat. Pansy used a binding spell to stop him from attacking them, and Blaise removed his glasses and covered his eyes as he said, "Come on, Draco, now's your chance!" Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle voiced their agreement.

But Potter struggled, probably thinking that they intended to bring him to the Dark Lord. Though, he probably would have reacted just as vigorously – if not more – if he knew what they were really doing.

One of his goons – Crabbe or Goyle, he wasn't paying attention to them just then – asked, "Are you going to back down from his challenge, Malfoy?"

"A Malfoy never backs down from a challenge," his automatic response was. How many times had his father told him that? He blushed.

"Then do it."

So he did.

He stood in the carriage, leaned over Potter's bound and blinded form and kissed him on the lips, shocking the other teen so much that he was able to maneuver his tongue into the Gryffindor's mouth.

He chased his elusive tongue around the hot cavity with his own, and when his temporary prisoner relaxed a little, he found himself straddling Potter's lap and playing a very intense game of tonsil quidditch.

This time, his cronies sang the song, uninterrupted, while Draco was doing what it insisted.


	2. You Won't Say

You Won't Say

He bolted from the carriage the moment it came to a stop. He had made the mistake of giving Ron and Hermione – and accordingly all of Gryffindor House (and he was sure the entirety of the Wizarding World) – a play-by-play of the events in the carriage on the way to school, as well as all he could remember of the song.

Nearly everyone in the school had taken to humming it in his and Malfoy's presence, but once Malfoy's cronies passed a flyer around with the new words, they right out sang it. Two dinners and one lunch out of the week ended with a round or two or five of the song being sung very, very loudly while the two teens were held to their respective spots by their "friends."

Rita Skeeter wrote an article for the prophet about the events, complete with fabricated backgrounds and her own little remix of the song from 101 Dalmatians, Cruella De Ville, that apparently was supposed to warn Harry away from the son of a Death Eater.

Unfortunately for Harry, his dorm mates took that as their cue to choose any song from one of the Muggle Disney movies and remix it to fit Harry's view of Malfoy. Hermione, naturally, was the ringleader, researching all of the songs from all of the Movies and choosing systematically which one would work best for adaptation. Then she taught it to the other Gryffindor 6th years, and cornered him in the room he shared with Ron, Dean, Seamus, and Neville while they (with the exception of Ron, who was still hooked on Rita Skeeter's creation) sang the song.

If there's a prize for rotten judgement  
I guess you've already won that  
I know he's caused lotsa aggravation  
But that's history, been there, done that!

We know it's forbidden  
But he's the Earth and heaven to you  
Try to keep it hidden  
Harry, we can see right through you  
Boy, ya can't conceal it  
We know how ya feel and  
Who you're thinking of

I know theres' no way  
That you'll say it, no, no

You swoon, you sigh  
Why deny it, uh-oh

We know you're gay  
But you won't say you're in love

You couldn't stop yourself from falling  
You'll know it's right when you try it out  
Now we're screaming go get him  
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out  
You keep on denying  
Who you are and how you're feeling  
Harry, we're not buying  
Boy, we saw ya hit the ceiling  
Face it like a grown-up  
When ya gonna own up  
That ya got, got, got it bad

I no there's a way  
That you'll say it, so

Give up; give in  
Check the grin you're in love

We'll see the day,  
When you say you're in love

You're doin flips  
Read our lips  
You're in love

We're right on base  
You won't say it

You won't say "in love"

We'll get off your case  
If you say it

Boy, don't be proud  
It's O.K. you're in love

At least inside,  
Won't you say you're in love?

Harry left the moment he could, locking the lot of them in the 6th year boy's bedroom. How could they know how he felt about Malfoy? He didn't know how he felt. But then, he mused, they were probably right. Hermione always was, and didn't she and Ron know more about him than anyone?

He sighed. If he did for some reason end up approaching Malfoy, it wouldn't be easy. He wasn't sure what they expected from them; "Hi Malfoy, wanna shag?" "Thought you'd never ask" wasn't exactly how he foresaw the conversation. As he walked calmly through the common room on his way out to wander the halls – rushing is a sign of guilt – he spotted Hermione's bag at her second favorite table in the school, the first being the one in the northwest corner of the lirbary.

Had she actually left her notes on the songs in there? Harry didn't know many Disney songs, having only been able to hear clips of the movies from his place under the stairs while growing up. Perhaps he could do some remixing of his own.

He grabbed his friends' school back and sifted through the scrolls. Merlin, how many notes does she take?He found one titled Project: Convince Harry He's in Love With Malfoy (oh, real original, must have been Ron's or Seamus's idea.) and opened it. Bingo.He stole the scroll (what, they've completed the song, they don't need it anymore!) and left the common room.

His first instinct was to go to the library, but that would be the first place Hermione would look after she got everyone out of his room. So instead he went to the Room of Requirement, knowing they couldn't get in unless they knew what kind of room he claimed to need.

After much thinking, he came up with asking for a room where he could do research with his own materials in private but that had a large bed shaped like a rubber ducky. He was sure they wouldn't figure that out. Maybe if it took him long enough, he'd take a nap.

He passed the spot the door would be three times thinking of this room, and the door appeared. Even though he chose a rubber ducky bed as a joke, he thought it look cool and disturbingly comfortable. But he went straight to the desk and read through the scroll, making notes on his thoughts next to each one. Too mushy… too difficult to remix… makes no sense… overdone…. He finally chose one from the sequel to his favorite (at least what he thought was his favorite from the information he had) Disney classic.

He would have to get Ron in on this, which would prove difficult. But at least he would barely have to change the words, if at all. He wrote it out the way that he wanted it to be done, then took a nap on the rubber ducky bed. He would deal with Ron in a few hours.

TBC

Rita Skeeter's version of Cruella De Ville:

Draco Malfoy  
Draco Malfoy  
If he doesn't bug you  
No trying thing will.  
To trust him is to take a poison pill  
Malfoy, Draco Malfoy.

The curl of his lips  
The ice in his stare  
Hufflepuffs and first years had better beware.  
He's like a rattlesnake that thinks you are its toy.  
Look out for Draco Malfoy

Right now you think that Malfoy really likes you  
But after time has worn away the shock  
You'll come to realize  
He's feeding you some lies  
Of the school you'll be the laughingstock.

If you trust Malfoy,  
This Slytherin beast,  
You will be locked up and never released.  
Harry was such a wholesome boy until…  
Malfoy, Draco Malfoy…


	3. Forget About Love

Forget About Love

Draco Malfoy was having a long day. He was having a long week, actually. As of yet, no one was bored of his little crush on Potter. The seventh and sixth years teased him something terrible. The fifth through third years smirked and chuckled whenever he entered a room, and the second and first years chuckled when he left.

To add to his social dilemma, his father had written to clarify what had happened, and in his response, Draco told him the complete truth and stated his intentions to divorce the family and fight on the side of the light, should it come to war. His father, naturally, disowned and disinherited him.

Luckily for Draco, he had been of mind to transfer his funds to a separate account that his Head of House signed for. So he had enough money so that he wouldn't have to work immediately after he graduated from Hogwarts. He had also discussed the situation with Dumbledore, and the old coot had the balls to twinkle at him and answer his questions while completely avoiding giving him any answers at all.

And now he knew how it felt to dread Potions. The Gryffindors mocked him whenever Snape's back was turned, which was pointless since Draco had stopped being the Potions Master's favorite student. He had been demoted nearly to Longbottom's level.

Stupid, sexy Potter, not content to ruin his life by hogging all the attention and beating him in quidditch. Of course, the person he was most mad with was himself. For liking the Boy-Who-Lived. For being so transparent that his friends could tell he like the Boy-Who-Lived. For being so incredibly easy to peer pressure into doing things that he wanted to do but didn't want to want to do. For kissing Harry Potter.

Ever since that day a week ago, Draco had done his best to avoid attracting attention to himself. Granted, he still made snide remarks to the Golden Trio. After all, no matter how much you liked a weasel's best friend, the weasel would still and always be a weasel.

Luckily for Malfoy, it was Sunday. Few people were around on Sundays, and since it was the first Sunday of the school year, he decided to go to the library. After all, who goes to the library the first Sunday of the school year?

He learned who once he entered the library. There was a small collection of Ravenclaws, especially the younger ones. The older ones were practicing Quidditch or at Hogsmeade. There were also a few other first and second years. He had just relaxed when he spotted the three in the far corner of the Library. Of all the people in all the school, they had to be the ones to study on this Sunday.

Already several paces into the Library by the time he decided that he most definitely did not want to be there, he knew that it would be a sure sign of cowardice to turn tail and leave. Oh, it wasn't like Slytherins or even Malfoys were known to be particularly brave, but to run like a scared puppy at the mere sight of his long-time archrival (and nouveau crush) would put a rather large dent in his already mangled ego. Especially since said archrival had no malicious intent toward him. He could deal with this.

He chose the table farthest away from anybody, especially the Golden bloody Trio. He opened up his History of Magic textbook and started to read and take notes. After what seemed like forever – but was only about two pages worth of study time – he heard a tenor voice singing across the normally silent Library.

Outwardly, he did his best to look annoyed and amused. Inwardly, he was embarrassed as all hell yet terribly excited.

Thought I hated that guy  
Don't understand the way I fell into his eyes  
I should forget about his charms  
Not about the way his goons held me by my arms  
That Slytherin's obnoxious  
The jeers  
The sneers  
Should make me nauseous  
But I can't get enough  
I can't forget about love

Draco found the first verse amusing, even though it sort of insulted him and his friends. But it was not like anything he sang was false. He bristled, though, when he noticed that the Boy-Who-Lived's song was actually a duet with his irksome friend, the Weasel.

Malfoy's such a prat  
What about him makes your heart begins to dance?  
I can taste the spite  
When he's spouting out some aggravating shite  
He really is revolting  
It's even worse since you're not bolting  
He's not such hot stuff  
Just forget about love

Then started the back and forth duet. Draco, flattered as he was, became rather annoyed at the mushy tone and words.

I had almost forgotten the way it felt  
When he held out his hand for mine (When, five years ago?)  
My heart all a-flutter (But you didn't take it!)  
The first time we kissed…

Wasn't your choice  
Wait, was there a second?  
(I love the way he does his hair)  
This isn't fair,  
Give me an answer, please  
(His kind is so rare)  
There's a reason for that  
I don't want to see my best  
friend stuck with that prat

Hmm-mm-mm-mm  
To its will love bends us  
(And don't you hate how he offends us?)  
But of course I do  
(As you should)  
Giant kangaroo

Clearly this wasn't originally part of the song, because the Weasel became really confused and stumbled over his words.

"That's – what! But Harry –"

Potter stood up from his seat in mock singing-aggravation. Draco hoped quite fervently that the object of his lust was not about to bring him into this.

Look, you're calling my bluff, I can't (But - )  
Forget about love!

Draco knew the song that they were singing. Potter approached him and obviously mentally prepared himself for the next part of the song, that traditionally introduces another singer in more lovey-dovey goo.

"I can't forget about my heart…"

The blonde Slytherin stood up and opened his mouth – Potter seemed to think he was going to sing with him – and said, "Potter, if you think I am going to sing this nauseating song with you, you're completely bonkers." The moment he said it, Draco knew he probably should have said it so that it was less likely to make Potter think that he hated him. "Gah, you're such a Gryffindor. Could you possibly have chosen something gooier than that drivel?" Potter was still upset. Draco had to say something to let him know that he was just teasing him without making himself look like a sap. "Besides," he added quirking a brow, "as lovely as you voice is, your lovelier lips could be put to better use."

The thick-headed git finally got it and blushed. Draco smiled evilly.

"You know, you can be awfully dense when the Muh – er, Granger isn't here to figure everything out for you. Clearly she's the brains of the Golden Trio. And we all know you're the power." Draco glanced in the weasel's general direction, smirking. "But what's your – oh what did you call them - goon? The bait? The scapegoat? Because he doesn't really have any talents that I've noticed."

Weasley, who could hear everything from across the otherwise silent room, turned red in aggravation. But before he could explode, Potter responded. "He's not my goon. A goon implies great strength and little brain. Ron's strong, but not massive. And even though he may not exactly be of Hermione's caliber – which, neither are you, I might add – he's not stupid. So if anything, he's my… captain."

The weasel smiled, evidently surprised to be given such an honorable title in front of a bunch of people. Potter, however, looked slightly regretful that he couldn't say it without sounding so mushy.

Draco packed what few things he had out and declared, "Adieu, Potter." Then he nodded to Weasley and said with a smirk, "Captain Weasel."

He left for the Slytherin dungeons with every intent to get the Golden Boy back for the song by writing his own that would be decidedly less mushy. He'd show those insufferable Gryffindors how to really write a song.


	4. In or Out

Title: In or Out

Author: MechanteSalope

Pairing: HP/DM

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter. I don't, and I'm

not making any money off of this.

First responses to reviews, then the story, then Author's Notes. Important ones; please read them.

A/N 1: Responses to reviews:

Reviewers of the Week Award goes to: Crazy Devilish Angel, Faith Defina, and Reyn, for reviewing twice.

Crazy Devilish Angel: I'm sorry your own surprise kiss didn't end as positively as this one. I said this was my first Harry Potter fic, which was why the characters were a little OOC. Thanks for reviewing twice; that must show that you either really liked my story or youre just a great person to have as a fan. As a writer, though, I'm sure you appreciate just how much we like reviews. I hope this is hot enough for you.

Faith Defina: Thanks for reviewing twice, and I'm happy that you find it funny. Here… hands you a drool bucket … you'll need this, if I'm any good at kisses.

Reyn: Thank you!

YamiRynEnjeru: Thanks for all the help (which mostly involved you sitting there reading my thoughts while I tried to figure out what the hell to do next).

TrixRStrange: Ow, you're throwing bludgers at me? That's so mean! I hope you try your luck at those two songs you mentioned.

Newra: Pinned, bound and blindfolded may not be very dignified, but that's how I like them!

Christine: I'm not surprised the Slytherins are a bit OOC; I haven't written Hpslash previously, and most of my reading is of fanfiction. It's like telephone, where I read fanfiction (that's usually slightly OOC, since they're not written by Her Greatness), so my stuff is a little off from that and so forth. Know any good, in-character fanfics? H/D and no het anywhere past kissing…

Julia: Glad you thought so!

Codeigh: You know, I am a genius. squee Thanks.

Blu: You haven't heard many lately Disney songs lately? Aww, I'm sorry. Maybe you should watch more Mulan. Mulan II just came out, maybe there'll be something good in there.

EmeraldDragon: Thank you.

Danielle: Thanks, you should try it yourself. It's fun and not overly difficult, plus then you're singing your own creation for the rest of the week.

Nekohime: Thanks for the stars!

firedragonluver: Thanks! I hope these ones aren't too difficult to sing to, what with the fact that (I'm noticing) not everyone's seen this movie...

RyokoPorter: Thanks!

Sinistra-san:I hope this is satisfactory, and I'm sorry you had to wait so long.

Thrnbrooke: Sorry you had to wait so long; the songs I wanted to use for chapter 3 and chapter 4 were both from the Return of Jafar, but I wanted to do only one song from any given movie/saga. I ended up going with one from the third Aladdin movie for this chapter, so its not so bad.

Tessa: I'm glad you think so.

Reyn: Thank you for your contribution to the quota.

Phoenix: Yayness! I was really hoping for someone to like the "Captain" thing.

Kyande: Blame it ALL on YamiRynEnjeru. I sent it to her before I posted, and she said it didn't end too abruptly. (Slightly joking)

Jenny: Thank you !

Zentiis: I'm glad this is the funniest smut you've ever read. Maybe you can change that if you check out the Pure Magnetism fic recs in author note 1. Thanks for reading!

LoverofallthingsPttR: I must say that I'm shocked that you didn't recognize "I Won't Say I'm In Love" from Hercules, the animated movie. Hercules is one of my favorites. That, Aladdin, and Mulan. In fact, when I was in sixth grade, there were four movies I could speak the entire way through without any cues: Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, and Aladdin. There's this song that Hercules sings before he finds out about his heritage that makes me think of pre-11 Harry. "I have often dreamed / of a far off place / where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me / Where the crowds will cheer / when they see my face / and a voice keeps saying / this is where I'm meant to be…" I love that song. In fact, I can sorta see Snape singing his own creepy version of "One Last Hope". "So you wanna be a hero, kid, well whoop-de-doo / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each of them a disappointment / Pain, for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Though a kid of "Zeus" is / asking me to jump into he fray…"

Kimia Madani: Thanks!

Lisa Gentry: Mock angry I hope you're proud of yourself. You've gone and warped my brain so much that I continued what was supposed to be a one-shot. Smiles Why don't you write those remixes you suggested. I really do want to see more remixes.

Terry Maxwell: I'm glad you found it funny!

Gillian: Thanks for saying it, at least.

George: Thanks. I did now! MUAHAHAHAHAHA

Rach Seea: Hope I can make your month again!

Fenris Mourningstar: I wasn't really holding the last chapter hostage. I didn't even finish it until just now. If you're taking off your hat to me, does that mean I get to keep it? O.O

Kaesaku: Thanks! Well, you're one person who didn't have to wait too long.

In or Out

Harry stood in the library, a little stunned at Draco's sudden exit. He had hoped that they could have a civil conversation after the song he sang to him. If he were perfectly honest with himself, he would admit that he was upset when Malfoy denounced his song the way he had. For a moment he had thought that Rita Skeeter was right, and that he didn't like him the way he had implied when he, uh, kissed him.

But after the comment about his lips, Harry knew that Draco was only complaining because of the mushiness of the song. And force of habit, of course. After all, he wouldn't be Malfoy if he weren't antagonistic and snooty.

Though it had been only a second or two since Draco's departure, when the Library broke out in applause, it seemed terribly delayed. He blushed and grinned, determined to be modest, but Ron ran up to him and held his hand up high, as if he were a champion boxer.

Just then, Madam Pince stormed in, followed closely by Hermione, the look on her face clearly saying that she had stalled as long as she could. Harry nodded to her, causing her to sigh in relief.

"Misters Potter and Weasley!" she screamed. "Detention for a week, both of you! Now take what you need and get out of my library!"

Hermione protested from behind her, "Oh, but Madam Pince –"

The enraged librarian spun on her. "Don't you 'Madam Pince' me, Miss Granger! These two nuisances belong to you, if I'm not mistaken, and if I were to hazard a guess, you knew what they were planning and served to distract me from my duties!" Hermione tried to demur, but was further cut off. "That is highly unbecoming of you and unacceptable for a person of your title. You are forthwith banished from the Library Club and demoted from High Bookquisiter to Simpletome in the Book Club!"

By the end of her rant, Hermione was in tears, and when the librarian was obviously not going to say anymore, the Gryffindor girl squealed in despair and ran out of the room without looking at anyone or grabbing her things.

Harry and Ron exchanged nervous glances, packed up their and Hermione's things, and left to go after her. When they got to the common room, they were told that she was in her room, practicing her repairing spells. When they asked what needed repairing, Lavender shrugged and said, "Whatever she breaks."

They sent Hermione's books up to her with Lavender, and spent the rest of the day generally goofing off, with a 30-minute break here and there for homework. They stayed up in the dorm until one-thirty in the morning playing exploding snap with Seamus and Dean. Neville opted out, since his (and Harry's and Ron's) first class Monday morning was Potions, and he wanted to be wide-awake so that his potion wouldn't explode as violently as usual. He would have loved to drop Potions, but to be a Herbologist, he needed an Average or better on his Potion's N.E.W.T.s.

Ron and Harry, however, stayed up late because of Potions, reasoning that the earlier they went to bed, the earlier Potions would come. Naturally, they regretted staying up late when they got only a few hours' sleep; just like they had last Sunday, just like they would nearly every Sunday for the rest of the school year.

After a quick breakfast, Harry, Hermione (who was still fuming), Ron, and Neville slowly made their way to Potions, where Snape had already charmed the instructions on the board. Harry glanced at Draco, which he realized with a start he had done at the beginning of Potions his entire time at Hogwarts. Only this time, he was treated to a feral grin and an audacious wink.

He felt himself blush to the roots of his hair.

"Are the dungeons too hot for you, Mr. Potter?" Snape's cold voice spat. "It's funny, most lions find it too cold for their tastes."

"Er, no, sir. I swear I'll see Madam Pomfrey after lunch. After all, I know how concerned you are about my health."

"Whatever, Potter, just try not to sneeze into your cauldron." He raised his voice. "The potion we will be making today is highly reactive to organic tissue, so everyone please note that, as is written on the board, gloves are required even before you gather your ingredients. I would greatly appreciate it if today's explosions were left up to Longbottom."

The Slytherins snickered and the Gryffindors glared. Neville, though, was actually doing well on his potion. That is, until Draco tossed something into his cauldron just after Snape passed, causing it to explode very messily all over Neville and Snape.

After an agitated Snape and a terrified Neville left for the Hospital wing, Harry hissed at Draco, "What'd you do that for?"

"I needed to get Snape out somehow, Potter. It's not like Longbottom could have gone the entire hour without blowing up his cauldron, anyway. Besides," he added with a smirk, "Now he gets to brag about how he got that stuff all over Snape. Ooh, I can't wait till he find out what it is."

"Why'd you need to get him out?" Harry asked, while Ron and Hermione simultaneously demanded, "What was it?"

"Something that only affects adults, I assure you, so your little friend is safe. At least, he will be until Snape figures out what it was."

"What was it?" Ron asked again, desperate to know how badly the slimy git would suffer.

"Well, I added a live spider," he offered casually, "so Granger should be able to figure it out well enough. I'd hate to ruin the surprise."

"Why'd you need to get rid of him, Malfoy?" Harry asked visciuosly. "You and your rattlesnakes going to try to give me and my friends to Voldemort?"

Everyone except Hermione cringed. Draco put his hand over his heart in mock pain. "Oh, ouch, Potter! No, the Dark Lord and I disagree on some fundamental issues; it would never work." A few eyebrows raised. "I needed Snape to be absent so that I could do this…."

He had his wand out, and, before Harry even thought to defend himself, he cast a spell. A low, creepy, yet catchy tune started to play. The Boy-Who-Lived knew exactly what he was doing and sat back and listened with amusement to his song.

I remember a time  
When malice was sublime  
There was plenty of hate in the air  
We'd hex and curse  
And counter each other  
With nary a worry or care  
Then along came this dream  
That caused my friends to scheme  
And got us both into this mess,  
So please take your time  
You were meant to be mine  
I won't settle for anything less

Are you in or out?  
Gotta know without a doubt  
I'm the one you need for the dirty deed  
I'm the best, climax is guaranteed  
I must say I'm surprised  
You didn't take Skeeter's advice  
You want a handsome lover you can't live without?  
Better stick with me  
Are you in or out?

We used to be smartarses,  
Horrendously heartless  
In Quidditch and duels we were rough  
We felt like we had  
To be blissfully bad  
Then my friends brought this sensitive stuff  
And we strayed from the path  
Of our rigorous wrath  
Now, let your heart be your guide  
We can stick with our winnings  
Or our vicious beginnings,  
Tell me which one you'd decide

Are you in or out?  
Double-crosser or devout?  
Get to know me  
Pretty soon I'll see  
If you might just be worthy of me  
Are you beau or friend?  
Here's the path I recommend  
I can show you what  
Pleasure's all about  
What's it gonna be?  
Are you in or out?

I can touch you in all the right places  
And I know this may seem grotesque  
But imagine the fear on Snape's face  
When he catches us nude on his desk

Are you in or out?  
I can't wait to make you shout  
I'll lead you straight into  
An empty classroom  
We'll begin a life that's overdue

Are you out or in?  
I want to touch your silky skin  
You can be with me, or sit around and pout  
What's it gonna be?  
Consider carefully  
Are you in or out?

Harry was beet red by the end of the song. And Draco was right in front of him, having moved to him so that he could make suggestive touches during important lines. Like the one about Snape's desk… Harry nearly had a heart attack at the thought of what Snape would do in that situation.

"So?" Draco asked, breaking Harry out of his reverie.

"Huh?" Harry asked dumbly. "Oh! Uh, in. Definitely in."

The blonde smiled with only a hint of a sneer, but before he could do anything, Ron interrupted him. "You know Malfoy, if anyone's not worthy of the other, it would be you who's not worthy of Harry."

Draco glowered at the annoyed Gryffindor for a split second and said fiercely, "Hey, Captain Weasel."

Ron lifted his chin in challenge.

Draco accepted the challenge, and when he was sure he had his full attention, he turned and kissed said redhead's best friend. There was, among other things, lots of tongue and sucking. The Slytherin barely felt Harry's hands mess up his hair through the tongue and the mouth and the feel of the brunet's hard body against his, just as needful, just as horny.

He ended the kiss with a loud sucking noise and a wobbly-kneed Potter. Holding the object of his affections close to him, he gave Ron a smug look and laughed at how green his face was. "Oh, you should see your face, Weasley!"

He could feel Harry stifle a laugh beside him. "So you just kissed me to nauseate Ron?" he pouted.

"Oh, don't give me that. I'm not one to do something I don't want to do just for a few seconds of Weasley's aggravation. It was simply a matter of two muggles with one curse."

Hermione let out an affronted gasp and said, "I thought you said you didn't agree with Voldemort" – again, many cringes – "about muggles!"

"What? Ugh, you people! First of all, it's just an expression! Second of all, I did not say that. Of course muggles are filthy beings and purebloods are superior in every way. I just don't think they should be wiped off the face of the earth."

Well, at least that was something. Hermione raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. "Oh? And why is that?"

"Let me put it this way. If I killed everyone that was inferior to myself, who would I be superior to?"

"No one."

"Exactly!" he shouted with such excitement that half the people in the classroom nearly jumped out of their skin. "I may not like muggles, but I do like being at the top of the food chain, thank you very much."

Okay, so maybe his reasoning was warped and a little more than missing the point. But at least he was quite positively not going to join Voldemort's forces.

Ron was skeptical. "How do we know that you're telling the truth, Malfoy? Do you have any proof?"

Draco gave him a glare that told him how he felt about explaining himself to a Weasley, but withdrew a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Ron. "You can read that. Then you can ask your pitiful muggle-loving father to research it for you; I'm sure he has access to the files."

Before Ron could further probe Draco's virtue, a soft, musical chime sounded. "Snape's coming back! Come on," he insisted as he dragged Harry to the front of the classroom. He swiped everything off the desk with his left arm and roughly threw Harry onto it with his right. He leapt on top of the Gryffindor and sealed their lips together just before Snape walked in and squawked quite amusingly in astonishment.

Everyone turned their heads to see what he would do, and stopped everything – breathing, blinking, thinking.

"What are you all staring at?" Snape asked savagely.

They were staring at him. To be more precise, they were staring at the new him: the softer facial features, the leaner frame, the soft curves of his hips and breasts. That's right: breasts. Professor Snape was now a woman.

Poor Neville.

Fin.

Seriously.

A/N 2: I know that a lot of people who read this story enjoy humor. Well, I'm glad that some of you find my story funny, but I feel inclined to direct you toward a few stories that had me laughing through my tears. Draco is a little OOC, but funny nonetheless. They are all available at Pure Magnetism, url - http: – and here they are:

http:theguestroom. 3: I wasn't originally going to use In or Out as the song, and I had already remixed the other one and written several paragraphs of this chapter before deciding to change it. Since I think it would be a shame for the song to go to waste, I'm going to show you it. Here it is, from Return of Jafar:

I must admit, your little quirks are amusing  
I wonder what you're hiding under those robes  
Now here's your chance to get the best of me  
Hope your moves are hot  
C'mon, clown, let's see what you've got  
I promise not to start off too rough  
With my double whammy you won't have to bluff  
For the record, I'm not straight  
Your info's out of date  
I don't take second rate!

No offense, but your friends are lame  
It's about more than power in the wizard game  
But you're in luck, I can educate  
I don't take second rate!

Men cowered at your power as a baby  
Your thumb is number one on every list  
But if you're not convinced that you're worthy of me,   
I'll put you to the test  
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest

Your strength caught You-Know-Who by surprise  
When the time comes, you'll cut him down to size  
And he won't escape  
It'll be a piece of cake  
I don't take second rate!

You know, his hocus-pocus isn't tough enough  
Though I don't think anyone measures up  
Let me pontificate upon your brilliant state  
I don't take second rate!

Zaba-caba-dabra!   
Malfoy's gonna grab ya!  
Alakazam-da-mus  
And this thing's bigger than the both of us  
Don't tame that feral hair  
I bet you look sexy in your underwear  
And I can hardly wait to ameliorate  
I'll send everyone else packing in a shipping crate  
If we joined forces, we'd be truly great  
I don't take second rate!

Another option I was considering was Be Prepared, from the Lion King. I thought the tone and some of the lines fit Draco pretty well – "Be prepared for the chance of a lifetime…" – but the verses weren't long enough and there was too much back-and-forth between Scar and the lions. So I didn't get very far.

A/N 4: I would like to propose a challenge. I think it would be interesting for people to submit their own Disney remixes based on Harry and Draco. You can send it to me in an email or post it in a review; I don't care. After a while I'll put them all up in the "Chapter 5" slot. Bonus points to anyone who can remix "In or Out" to be "In and Out" wink… and a song from Mulan II would be good. Along with the remix, a short 2- or 3-sentence summary about the background would be good. I really hope I get a lot of responses to this.

A/N 5: Lastly, I'd like to give thanks to Bobby, Laurel, and YamiRynEnjeru for all their help and inspiration. And to Walt Disney, of course; I couldn't have done it without him.

(Bobby wanted me to add that he's single, straight, 21, Capricorn, and looking. He dreams of becoming a carnivorous transvestite koala, and he's allergic to invisible goats. He enjoys waffles and rock music. He is currently attending Northpark University in Chicago, IL, and is going to get a Master's and a PhD in Cognitive Neuropsychology. He can be contacted on AIM under dontcarenemoor or at for reading, even if you haven't reviewed… cries at the thought… and maybe I'll finish my other story soon enough so I can start posting.


	5. Under Me

Okay, I know everyone only reads this for the songs. I have no intention of continuing the plot, but writing these songs is just so much fun, I think I might add another one every now and then.

This one is a remix of "Under the Sea" and is a little more racy than the others, and it's from Draco to Harry. Enjoy!

Under Me  
The penis is always bigger  
In somebody else's pants  
You dream about going in there  
But it'd be bad if that happens  
Just look at the man above you  
Right here on the Potions floor  
Such wonderful feelings flow through you  
What more is you lookin' for?

Under me  
Under me  
Darling you're better off  
Now, let's get that sweater off  
Give it to me  
Other couples, they work all day  
At their jobs, they slave away  
While you're pursuin'  
A lifetime of screwin'  
Under me

Down here Little Harry is happy  
As off through my hand he stabs  
With no one else would he be happy  
He'd be sad 'cause he'd get crabs  
But with me you'll always get lucky  
You're in for a better fate  
At night when my dick gets hungry  
Guess who's gon' be on the plate?

Under me  
Under me  
Nobody halt us  
Try and assault us  
They'll suffer me  
You're what Snape loves to cook  
Under me you're off the hook  
You got no troubles  
Life is the bubbles  
Under me  
Under me  
Since life is sweet here  
We got the heat here  
Naturally  
Even during transfiguration  
I get the powerful temptation  
No need to fear it  
Just lie back and revere it  
Under me

We'll screw in the floo  
With chains on the train  
On the grass; in Snape's class  
I'll melt your brain  
You're mine where we dine  
An hour in the shower  
Sometimes we'll take it slow  
I know you love  
The love we're making  
I'll make you shout  
I'll make you sing  
Suck it, you prat  
You know where it's at  
And- Oh, that mouth can blow!

Under me  
Under me  
When you and I  
Begin to fly  
It's music to me  
What do they got? A lot of hand  
We got a hot orgasmic band  
Each little slam here  
Of my battering ram here  
Under me  
It's like a drug here  
Cuttin' a rug here  
Under me  
I know I'm prevailing  
Whilst you are wailing  
That's why it's hotter  
Under me, Potter  
Yeah, you're in luck here  
We'll run amok here  
Under me


	6. In Ecstasy

Yet another remix from your favorite song manipulator, this one to the tune of A Whole New World. I couldn't help myself. Kinda dirty, though I don't think its as bad as the other one. Maybe it's worse. I can't tell. Happy singing!

I can show you my wang  
Giant, rock-hard and throbbing  
Tell me, Harry, now when did you last see something so fine?  
I can open your thighs  
Though I'll tear you asunder  
I'll make mush of Boy Wonder  
On a magic dragon ride  
In ecstasy  
A new fantastic point of view  
When you're bent like so  
Ready to go  
I wonder if I'm dreaming

In ecstasy  
A sensation I never knew  
When you're on all fours  
Sprawled on the floor  
I love to be in ecstasy with you!  
(Now I'm in ecstasy with you!)

Unbelievable sights  
Indescribable feeling  
Wear something revealing  
And meet me here tonight  
In ecstasy!  
(Don't you dare close your eyes)  
A thousand things you'd die to see  
(Release your breath-it gets better!)  
This is so bizarre  
We've come so far  
I can't go back to how we used to be!

In ecstasy!  
(Every thrust a surprise)  
With new positions to pursue  
(Every moment, orgasmic)  
I'll take you anywhere  
There's time to spare  
Let me do it  
On Snape's desk with you  
In ecstasy  
That's where we'll be  
A scandalous place  
A warm embrace  
For you and me


	7. I'm the Best

I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
Put my service to the test  
Tie some rope around your wrists, Harry  
And I'll provide the rest  
I want to lick  
Your every curve  
You know I only live to serve  
Take off your shirt  
You look delicious  
I'll fulfill all your wishes  
Time with me, you'll enjoy  
After all I'm a Malfoy  
And a night with me is never second best  
You wanna bump and grind,  
Give me a chance, you'll find  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!

We'll get it on  
Every day  
We'll have our own nightly soiree  
I'll prepare and serve with flair  
A stimulatory cabaret!  
We're alone  
Don't be scared  
I'll make sure you're well prepared  
In my bed you can't complain  
My stamina will never wane  
I've got tools for my tricks  
With leather, whip cream, and broomsticks  
And it's all in perfect taste  
That you can bet  
Come on and lift your ass  
You've won your own free pass  
To see I'm best  
If you're stressed  
It's fornicating I suggest  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!

This would be illegal  
If it were up to your friend the weasel  
He's not whole without a soul to vent upon  
Ah, those good old days when we were rivals...  
Suddenly those good old days are gone  
Six years we've been lusting  
Needing so much more than thrusting  
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!  
Most days we just lay around the castle  
Flabby, fat and lazy  
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!

I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
Lucky you; you've passed the test  
Wine's been poured, you won't be bored  
I'll ravish you once you're undressed  
For dessert, you'll want me  
I'll make you scream like a banshee  
There's no doubt that while we're screwin'  
Your friends will hear what we're doin'  
I'll get you warm, piping hot  
And when I thrust I'll hit that spot  
When I'm done you'll surely be impressed  
We've got a lot to do  
For the next hour or two  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!

I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
My command is your request  
I don't think I've ever felt like this before  
And I'm obsessed  
With your pleasure, I won't tease  
Yes, indeed, I aim to please  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
If you want it, I'll keep going  
Up all night, we'll have fun  
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"  
Then I'll sing you off to sleep against my chest  
Tonight you'll spread your feet  
And then you'll see  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!  
I'm the best!


	8. Just Can't Wait to Be Gay

  
Yay Somebody finally responded to my KTB Challenge. She goes by 'Nicole', and her email is:

mangomuncher2u at is her version of The Lion King's "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." It's quite good, actually.

I really hope this inspires everyone else to write something of their own. Maybe if I get enough, I'll pick up the plot where I left off. 

DRACO  
I'm gonna be a mighty fag  
So bisexuals beware

SNAPE  
Well I've never seen a straight or gay  
with quite so little flair

DRACO  
I'm gonna be the main topic  
Like no fag was before  
I'm feeling up  
I'm looking down  
I'm working on my BLOW

SNAPE  
Thus far a rather uninspiring gay

DRACO  
Oh I just can't wait to be gay!

SNAPE  
You've got quite a ways to go Mr. Malfoy, if  
you think...

DRACO  
No one saying kill this…  
(SNAPE)  
Now when I said that –

PANSY  
No one saying be there...  
(SNAPE)  
Give me that wand!

DRACO  
No one saying block that...  
(SNAPE)  
You don't realize–

PANSY  
No one saying, "see here"...  
(SNAPE)  
NOW SEE HERE!

DRACO  
We gonna shag around all day

SNAPE  
Well that's definitely out of the question!

DRACO  
We gonna do it all my way!

SNAPE  
I think its time that you and I  
Arranged a heart-to-heart

DRACO  
Fags don't need advice  
From straight professors for a start

SNAPE  
If this is where the aristocracy is headed  
COUNT ME OUT!  
Out of the order  
Out of England  
I wouldn't stalk about!  
This child is getting bloody out of wing

DRACO  
Oh I just can't wait to be gay!

PANSY, BLAISE, CRABBE, GOYLE  
Hmmmmm Ahhhh  
Hmmmmm Ahhhh  
Hmmmmm Ahhhh

DRACO  
Everybody look left  
Everybody look right  
Everywhere you look  
I'm in the limelight

SNAPE  
NOT YET!

PANSY, BLAISE, CRABBE, GOYLE  
Let every student know  
The guy can sing  
Let every virgin know  
That he should scream  
It's gonna be Hogwarts' greatest fling!

EVERYONE  
Oh I just can't wait to be gay!  
Oh I just can't wait to be gay!  
OH I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE GAY!

SNAPE  
Well at least your father must be happy...

Once again, it's by Nicole at:

mangomuncher2u at 


	9. Just Can't Wait Till You Scream

Inspired by Nicole's version, here's my own version of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King"

Once I get enough fan-remixes, I'll continue the story. Even if you don't want me to post your version.

You're gonna make a mighty scream  
So innocents beware  
Though I've never shagged man or beast  
With such unruly hair

It's gonna be a savage wail  
Like no scream was before  
I'm brushing up on going down  
I'll make you beg for more

Thus far, a rather delectable thing

Oh, I just can't wait till you scream!

You'll be saying, "Suck this"  
You'll be saying, "Kiss there"  
You'll be saying, "Put that"  
You'll be saying, "In here"

Free to molest you all day  
Free to ravish you my way

I think it's time that you and I  
Arranged a rendezvous

Screams don't need to sound  
As if I'm tearing you in two

If this is how you plan to use my body  
Count me in  
In the mood and looking forward to  
Living a life of sin  
You should be unnerved by my eyes' gleam

Oh, I just can't wait till you scream!

A little to the left  
A little to the right  
Just a little lower  
You're always so tight

I plan to fulfill your every dream  
I'll feel your silhouette within the steam  
If you don't strip you're gonna cream your jeans

Oh, I just can't wait till you scream!  
Oh, I just can't wait till you scream!  
Oh, I just can't wait till you scream!


	10. Waiting For Me in Your Bed

Squee Another one from Nicole! email:

m a n g o m u n c h e r 2 u c o m c a s t . n e t

or

ms.understood on "Just around the Riverbend" -Harry

What I love most about shagging you is  
You never do it the same way twice

The beat is always changing  
Never slowing

But straights, I guess,  
Can't live like that  
They all must pay a price  
Do they safely lose their chance of ever knowing?

What's waiting in your bed?  
Waiting for me in your bed!  
I look once more  
Underneath the silken sheets!  
Beyond your chest  
Where my hand flies free

Can't care much more  
What I dream the night will send  
Just waiting in your bed!  
For me  
Waiting for me…..

I feel it coming  
Beyond you scream  
Or right behind your body's fall  
Can I ignore that sound of distant fumbling?

For a handsome study boyfriend  
Who has  
Handsome sturdy balls  
And never cares that someone might be coming!

Just behind the common room's walls  
Waiting for us in your bed!  
I scream it once more  
Waiting in your bed!  
Beyond the door  
Where you scream for me  
Can't care much more  
What I dream the night might send  
Just waiting in your bed  
Just waiting in your bed!

Should I choose the missionary?  
Steady as your beating chest  
Should I carry coke and rum?  
Is all your screaming at an end?

Or do you still yearn for me, scream-giver  
Just waiting in your  
bed………………

Okay, so I've decided that I'm going to continue the plot. I'm close to finishing chapter 5, and once I'm done with that, I'll send it to NICOLE because she's the ONLY ONE who wrote her own remixes. I will send it to everyone who writes one, and once I get the chapter's number worth of remixes, I will post that chapter. So I need 3 more remixes for posting chapter 5. I know some of you think that's mean, but it's fun to do. It's like forcing you to read slash. Not that big of a deal.


End file.
